My Green Goddess

I guess we’ve all gotta believe in something. The Third Eye? The Brain in a Vat? No? Ok, how about something simple like Chocolate? No? Ok, what about Automatic Firearms you can buy down at Walmart? Sure? Still not interested? Well, what about The Time Flux Capacitor? Surely, that’s something worth your time? No? Ok, well, I give up. Basically, if none of the above floats your boat and you still can’t think of anything original, then I guess there’s always religion. No offence to any religious folk out there. I’m just saying like. You see, for me, thirteen years of Sunday morning cum-ba-yah and breaking bread just bored the shit out of me. It never ever really captured my imagination; mainly because I had one of my own. BUT, and I really truly mean this, show me any kind of religious holiday (ideally a long one) and I’m down. Any religion. I’ll believe whatever abra-ka-dabra you want me to believe. Just show me what forms to fill out, what boxes to tick and where to sign, and I’m all yours. A...

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Visa Pains

Today, I’m one of the bad guys. My man about Visa had conveniently forgotten my dates about Visa. Too late to renew. My Visa had expired. I had expired. Too bad. And even though it was only by one whole single solitary day, there was no reprieve. No pause for thought. No leniency. No grace. No sympathy. And absolutely no benefit of the doubt. Thanks for coming, James, but off you fuck. So, now, I’ve gotta take a trip and think on my sins. A Visa pilgrimage. But before I head out the door, I’ve got a fine to pay. Happy days. However, let’s look on the bright side. I’m gonna be flying to the wonderfully quaint town of Luang Prabang, Loas. A World Heritage Site. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one big fat juicy positive. But before I indulge in that hippy happy go lucky prospect, that’s right, I’ve got to pay yet another fine. Although, I’d call it daylight robbery. Filling out my arrival card on the plane, there was one box I couldn’t complete. It was the...

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Sweating the Proverbial

I had two options. Stay in Bangkok and sweat my dick off, or go somewhere else and sweat my dick off. Now, you may think that sweating your dick off is sweating your dick off, regardless of where you’re sweating your dick off, but I’d disagree. Your environment is crucial to the experience. Grabbing your sweaty bag of junk and shifting it right to left is much more enjoyable in a hammock than on the number 7 bus. And how about those rolling beads of sweat which trickle down your back and pass into your arse crack? Great when you’re on the beach, but not so great when you’re walking down the road dodging motorbikes and gangrene dogs. Looking at my options, I decided to head out to one of my olden but golden hotspots. Kanchanaburi. The last time I visited was around eight years ago, so I was a little fuzzy on the details. However, I did remember that it was place where there was way more green matter than grey matter, where there were waterfalls rather than...

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The Perils of Small Talk

Small talk. When it works, great. Friends are made. Laughs are shared. But when it goes wrong. Oh, man. The pain. I was sitting outside my bungalow on my porch drinking a nice cold one, when suddenly the dude from next door stepped outside his bungalow, plonked himself in his chair on his porch and busted open a nice cold one. Mirrored. So, the scene was set. Two dudes sitting on their porch drinking a beer. Now, the conundrum. To small talk or not to small talk? Two voices (in my head) answered. The first one said, ‘Really, you should be nice and say something. I’m sure he would appreciate it. Be open minded.’ The second one said, ‘Dude, don’t bother. Just let the man be. If he wants to speak to you, he will. And, also, he’s probably a psychopath, so you probably wanna lock the door and put the chain on before you go to bed tonight.’ Feeling sociable, I decided to go with the first voice. A few minutes later the second voice kept reminding me, ‘I told...

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Hanoi

Hanoi’s zig-zagging streets of hawkers, whizzing motorbikes and tall thin buildings are armed to the pots and pans with 99 problems, but food defo aint one. So, for fat loafers like me who like nothing more than roaming around scooping up food and licking the remnants off their fingers, it’s great. But in order to really enjoy the hidden food treasures of Hanoi, you’re going to have to get lost. Although, perhaps I should say that you’re guaranteed to get lost. I mean, you’ll try and not get lost, obviously, but you will. Your ego will say ‘I studied geography. I can read a map. Leave it to me.’ But, trust me, that ain’t gonna work either. You’re gonna fail. You’re gonna get lost, your ego is gonna go into meltdown and you’re going to end up telling yourself all kinds of daft things like ‘I’m never going to find my hotel, which means I’m going to miss my flight home, which means I’m never going to get to see House of Cards Season 4, which means I’m never going to...

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Welcome to the Jungle, people!

People! Yeah, you lot. You guys suck balls, so I’m off out of here. Laters. Packing my bags, I made sure I picked the biggest, fattest, thickest book I could find. You know why? Yeah, exactly! Coz I don’t want to be talking to your stupid ass! As far as I was concerned, for this little trip, talking was off the menu; so get out of my face, people! However, like most things in life, that which we wish to seek out and enjoy is always spoilt by some gormless twat. Within seconds of getting settled on the train and into my book, guess what happened? Exactly! Bloody people! Now, stop me if I’m wrong, but, generally, the universal rule of law is that when a person’s head is stuck in a book, it means that he or she doesn’t wish to be disturbed. They are occupied. Unavailable. It most certainly doesn’t mean, ‘Ask me any question you want! I’m all yours!’  Within five minutes three different people had come up to me, asking me questions. Initially, I was...

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My Green Goddess

Posted by on Jul 23, 2016 in Asia, Travel Blogs, Travel Insurance

My Green Goddess

I guess we’ve all gotta believe in something. The Third Eye? The Brain in a Vat? No? Ok, how about something simple like Chocolate? No? Ok, what about Automatic Firearms you can buy down at Walmart? Sure? Still not interested? Well, what about The Time Flux Capacitor? Surely, that’s something worth your time? No? Ok, well, […]

Read More »

Visa Pains

Posted by on Jun 15, 2016 in Asia, Travel Blogs, Travel Insurance

Visa Pains

Today, I’m one of the bad guys. My man about Visa had conveniently forgotten my dates about Visa. Too late to renew. My Visa had expired. I had expired. Too bad. And even though it was only by one whole single solitary day, there was no reprieve. No pause for thought. No leniency. No grace. […]

Read More »

Sweating the Proverbial

Posted by on Jun 9, 2016 in Asia, Travel Blogs, Travel Insurance

Sweating the Proverbial

I had two options. Stay in Bangkok and sweat my dick off, or go somewhere else and sweat my dick off. Now, you may think that sweating your dick off is sweating your dick off, regardless of where you’re sweating your dick off, but I’d disagree. Your environment is crucial to the experience. Grabbing your […]

Read More »

The Perils of Small Talk

Posted by on Jun 7, 2016 in Asia, Travel Blogs, Travel Insurance

The Perils of Small Talk

Small talk. When it works, great. Friends are made. Laughs are shared. But when it goes wrong. Oh, man. The pain. I was sitting outside my bungalow on my porch drinking a nice cold one, when suddenly the dude from next door stepped outside his bungalow, plonked himself in his chair on his porch and […]

Read More »

Hanoi

Posted by on May 31, 2016 in Asia, Travel Blogs

Hanoi

Hanoi’s zig-zagging streets of hawkers, whizzing motorbikes and tall thin buildings are armed to the pots and pans with 99 problems, but food defo aint one. So, for fat loafers like me who like nothing more than roaming around scooping up food and licking the remnants off their fingers, it’s great. But in order to really enjoy […]

Read More »